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D’Angelo Teaches Wallace and Bodie to Play Chess 2: The Sequel

Posted by Mat on 21st January, 2014
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D’Angelo: Yo, what was that?
Wallace: Hm?
D’Angelo: Castle can’t move like that. Yo, Castle move up and down and sideways like. I mean I guess unless you’re playing as the Reaper class but then it can’t take any pieces.
Bodie: Nah, we ain’t playin’ that.
Wallace: Yeah, look at the board. We playing checkers.
D’Angelo: [Laughs] Checkers?
Wallace: Yeah, Checkers.
D’Angelo: Yo, why you playing Checkers on a Chess 2 set?
Bodie: Yo, why you give a shit? We ain’t got no checkers
D’Angelo: Yeah but yo, Chess 2 is a better game, yo.
Bodie: So?
D’Angelo: Nah hold up hold up, y’all don’t know how to play Chess 2 do you?
Bodie: So?
D’Angelo: So? So nothin’ man. Look I’ll teach y’all if y’all wanna learn. I’ll school you.
Bodie: C’mon man, nah, c’mon, we right in the middle of a game!
Wallace: Calm down, chill out, I wanna see this!
D’Angelo: Now look y’all can’t be playin’ no Checkers on no Chess 2 board, yo!
Bodie: A’ight A’ight alright man
D’Angelo: Now look, check it, it’s simple, it’s simple. See this? [Kisses King Piece] This the kingpin, a’ight? And he the man. Actually sometimes there’s another king, but, uh… Look, You get the other dude’s king, you got the game. But he trying to get your king too, so you gotta protect it. But also don’t protect it for too long because he might try and bring his King forward to score a midline invasion. Now, the King, he move one space any direction he damn choose, ’cause he’s the King. Like this, this, this, a’ight? But he ain’t got no hustle. But the rest of these motherfuckers on the team, they got his back. And they run so deep, he really ain’t gotta do shit. Unless you want to apply pressure with the aforementioned midline invasion, but, you get my point.
Bodie: Like your uncle.
D’Angelo: Yeah, like my uncle. You see this? This the queen. She smart, she fast. She move any way she want, as far as she want. And she is the go-get-shit-done piece. Oh wait shit, I forgot. She’s basically a glorified roadblock for pawns if you’re playing as the Nemesis class.
Wallace: Remind me of Stringer.
D’Angelo: And this over here is the castle. Like the stash. It can move like this, and like this. And if you’re playing as Empowered then if it’s standing next to another Castle or a Knight or a Bishop it gets a strength boost based on the piece next to it.
Wallace: Dog, stash don’t move, man.
D’Angelo: C’mon, yo, think. How many time we move the stash house this week? Right? And every time we move the stash, we gotta move a little muscle with it, right? To protect it. If the Empowered pieces are all next to each other then they get a much greater boost, but for balance that only lasts until it moves away.
Bodie: True, true, you right. All right, what about them little baldheaded bitches right there?
D’Angelo: These right here, these are the pawns. They like the soldiers. They move like this, one space forward only. Except when they fight, then it’s like this. And if you’re in nemesis class they can always move toward the enemy king. They like the front lines, they be out in the field.
Wallace: So how do you get to be the king?
D’Angelo: It ain’t like that. See, the king stay the king, a’ight? Everything stay who he is. Except for the pawns. Now, if the pawn make it all the way down to the other dude’s side, he get to be queen. And like I said, the queen ain’t no bitch. She got all the moves. With exception for classes that aren’t really all that Queen-focused.
Bodie: A’ight, so if I make it to the other end, I win.
D’Angelo: If you catch the other dude’s king and trap it, then you win. Or if you’re able to perform a midline invasion with your king.
Bodie: A’ight, but if I make it to the end, I’m top dog.
D’Angelo: Nah, yo, it ain’t like that. Look, the pawns, man, in the game, they get capped quick. They be out the game early.
Bodie: Unless they some smart-ass pawns.
D’Angelo: Sure, actually, if you get in a fight you might lose your piece but then you do into a duel mode where each player bets a certain number of tokens and the highest bigger wins, sparing their piece. Basically, with Chess 2 you pick a class that suits you. It’s a game of asymmetry and tactics that outmatches the previous game’s rote memorisation of opening moves.
Bodie: Oh. Hey what does the horse do?
D’Angelo: Nevermind the Horse. I can’t find a way to tie that into this overwrought drug metaphor.

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